Lupin's Dilemma
by Victoria Viridian
Summary: Despite Remus Lupin's lonely childhood, he always had a conscience. So when the chance for happiness presents itself in the form of Nymphadora Tonks, will he let his lycanthropy deprive him of it, just as it has always deprived him? Canon, with details from Order of the Phoenix, Half-Blood Prince and Pottermore.


_**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hello dears, glad you've made it to this page. I hope you enjoy my story, I tried to make the characterization accurate. Any feedback would mean a lot to me, no matter how short. So please, if you have the time, drop me a review! This story was written for my friend Shani on the occasion of our graduation. Enjoy **_

_Lupin's Dilemma _

I.

Remus John Lupin was stuck, and this time there was no one to help him.

The best friends he had so long cherished had each been taken from him in different ways, and for the most part he was back to being as lonely as he was before he had met them.

But despite their absence, he knew what his fellow marauders would have said, were they back at Hogwarts.

"Show off all your charms, Moony, she won't be able to resist you once she realizes what she's missing out on. Or, you know, just mention your… ah … furry little problem, girls would love it," Remus could hear James' jaunty voice saying in his head.

The young Sirius, on the other hand, would have taken a different line.

"No use mucking about showing off, look how Prongs humiliated himself in front of Evans! Pay absolutely no attention to her, as though you've got better things with which to preoccupy yourself. She'll be instantly smitten."

"I think you should just talk to her," Peter's voice mumbled timidly. "Just be nice to her."

"'Be nice to her'?" Sirius scoffed. "Fat lot of good that'll do! She'd just get used to using Remus as a doormat like all the girls do to you, Wormtail. Tell me, whose homework were you doing last Friday while the three of us pranked Regulus? Not your own, that's for certain."

Remus shook his head vigorously. The dialogue seemed so lifelike… but they weren't at Hogwarts anymore. His friends weren't anywhere near him, for that matter. One had turned traitor, one was dead, and one was a fugitive from Azkaban still in hiding.

His reunion with Sirius had been fraught with confusion – it was Peter who had been the spy, alive and at large while Sirius rotted in prison for a crime he did not commit – but after the initial shock, Remus had been overjoyed to have his friend back. It was only after realizing that Sirius was still a wanted man that reality took its toll again. Dumbledore hadn't wanted Sirius to embark on missions outside Grimmauld Place, even in his Animagus form.

It stung that Remus had been miraculously given three friends who refused to judge him for his affliction; only to have two gone from him by the time he was thirty-six.

Thirty-six. An early age for one to feel as worn-out and spent as he always did. It was an incontrovertible effect of his lycanthropy. This new, unrelated problem did not mitigate his current situation but rather added to it.

_Concentrate, Remus_, he told himself. _You can't afford to botch this mission_.

_But it's difficult to focus_, another voice complained in his head, sounding a lot like Peter's plaintive whine, though still carrying a distinctly Remus-like tone of resignation.

That didn't exactly help.

He braced himself and cleared his throat. "Nymphadora," he whispered.

His companion winced, and he saw her wrinkle her nose under the moonlight provided by the thin sliver of the waxing crescent. The moon cycle had allowed him to be stationed on this mission with her tonight, for which he was grateful, despite his incorrigible awkwardness.

"Oh, come on Remus, you know I hate my first name." Tonks flashed him an exasperated look. "What were you going to say, then?"

"I was going to ask what you thought he's up to in there," Remus muttered, pointing vaguely toward the large house behind which they skulked, huddled under an awning. Their position provided enough cover that they only needed to drape the Order of the Phoenix's spare Invisibility Cloak, which was rather small, over their knees, legs and toes.

"Rabastan?" Tonks looked surprised by his question. "I can't be sure, but it looks almost as though he's merely serving as an informant. Passing Rookwood's information along to the relevant Death Eaters, most likely."

"I missed the last Order meeting due to – well, you know why – and I'd forgotten to ask. I assume we're simply monitoring the premises to observe suspicious actions, if any?"

"Yes, that's it." She studied him, her mouth twitching. "Not exciting enough for you, eh, Gryffindor?"

Remus smiled ruefully as she continued, "I've heard all the stories of you and your friends. At Hogwarts, you were legendary. Charlie Weasley was in my year and he reckons his twin brothers learned a lot from your legacy," she finished, her face shining with visible admiration.

"I was more of a mediator than facilitator," Remus admitted. "James and Sirius were the masterminds."

Tonks nodded in understanding. "I never saw Sirius when I was growing up, despite his being my mum's cousin. He was in prison, though, so of course I had no chance of meeting him. But they were very close when they were young. Both disowned from the Black family. I always got the feeling that my mother didn't really want to believe he turned in the Potters."

"Sirius always called Andromeda his favourite cousin. Still does," Remus mused. "He looked up to your mother." He paused. "As for Sirius' allegiance, I must confess that I did initially believe he had switched sides, during the last war."

Though the topic was weighty in nature, Remus could feel himself relaxing. Tonks, usually so light-hearted and funny, was capable of speaking in earnest.

"It's hard to know who to trust in times like these. It must have been the same way back then," she murmured comfortingly, meeting his eyes. He felt the curious swooping sensation in his stomach that was not unfamiliar whenever she looked at him.

A breeze picked up, lifting strands of her bubblegum-pink hair across her face. He felt a bizarre urge to push the locks back into place, but suppressed the impulse with ease.

He was used to hiding. He had done it all his life.

Why should this be any different?

"I can't imagine what Sirius has been through, all the same," Tonks went on. "Held captive for over a decade, even though he was innocent. I suppose the change is noticeable in him?"

"He is immeasurably more subdued than before. But that's only half because of Azkaban. The other half… well, he lost James that night too." Remus swallowed, trying to rid himself of the lump that had formed in his throat.

"Of course," Tonks agreed sadly. "Even I see he seems damaged, and I didn't even know him beforehand." She contemplated for a moment. "He doesn't look too badly off, though. I've seen old pictures of him – he's still handsome, isn't he, even after Azkaban?"

Remus' extremities seemed to curl in anger, jealousy knotting itself in the pit of his stomach. "He always got the women," Remus could not help muttering darkly, remembering what 'pseudo-Sirius' had said in his mind earlier about ignoring girls but still having them lust after him. How ironic that he should be jealous of his best friend at the present moment.

He was determinedly avoiding Tonks' face, but instinct told him she had turned on him in anger. Hazarding a look, he quailed under the glare of her eyes, a vivid brown, simmering fury.

"You'd know perfectly well who I've fallen for, if you weren't too busy feeling sorry for yourself to notice," she snapped, her nostrils flaring. She crossed her arms and glowered off into the distance, leaving Remus in a considerable state of confusion. Surely she couldn't mean …

He forced himself to ignore the leaping feeling that had overtaken him.

Luckily, before he could dwell on the reality of what she had said, there came a sudden crash from the direction of the front door. Both Order members tensed.

Someone, presumably Rabastan Lestrange, was ambling outside toward their hiding place. Remus' gaze darted around desperately, where he spotted Rabastan's destination: a large dustbin not far off from him and Tonks.

"Quick –" he hissed, but Tonks did not need to be told twice. She threw the cloak over the pair of them and squeezed close to ensure the cloak covered them both. Remus felt his cheeks heat up as they sat frozen, almost nose to nose. He held his breath as Rabastan levitated a large bag of rubbish toward the dustbin, which opened, showering the air with flecks of dust.

Tonks sniffed, as though she were about to sneeze. Rabastan's gaze jerked toward the spot where they sat, his eyes roving warily, his hand creeping toward his left arm...

Thankfully, the moment passed, and he trudged back toward the house.

Remus and Tonks emitted a collective sigh as the door swung shut behind the known Death Eater, and Tonks submitted to a coughing fit.

Remus placed a tentative hand on her shoulder. "Are you all right?" he asked, once the fit had subsided.

She nodded, eyes streaming; but the mood had shifted between them to something far less amiable. Sure enough, Tonks lapsed back into her uncharacteristically stony silence.

It was better that he not acknowledge her feelings, Remus thought with an inward sigh of resignation, because he was far too old and far too flawed to ever deserve Nymphadora Tonks, whatever she might have said to the contrary.

II.

Remus was in pain.

Not the mindless, limb-tearing pain that he had learned to expect during his monthly transformations, but a deeper, emotional infliction that would not relent.

There was nothing he could do to assuage his earth-shattering agony he felt as a result of his non-action. At present, it wasn't much comfort to him that he was doing the right thing in avoiding the reality of Tonks' feelings. Seeing her so crushed, so utterly depressed, sent him deeper into despair than he had known it was possible to feel, even for a person as unfortunate as himself. He had experienced his fair share of unhappiness, but he felt a new, sharper pain slice into his skin each time he saw the melancholy Tonks and had to force himself to turn away as though he didn't care.

He couldn't have felt anything more contrary to apathy.

She had made it clear that she loved him. She had all but confessed it! But Remus felt duty-bound to reject the truth, because he could not believe she would develop feelings for _him_.

How could she? He was a monster. A dangerous beast that didn't belong with either the wolves or the humans. He was an outsider in every respect, and he didn't want Tonks to condemn herself to that kind of life.

He was a threat to anyone who came near, and even though it nearly killed him to ignore her declaration, he could not bring himself to subject any person, especially a woman he loved, to the horrors of his condition and the social ostracism that would come with it.

Denying Tonks' love for him would have been entirely easier … if only it were possible. Her new Patronus was distinctly wolfish, however; he had seen it with a jolt of shock as she sent a message to Mad-Eye Moody. She'd turned to meet his startled gaze defiantly, as though daring him not to comment.

On the other hand, he couldn't bring himself to flatly refuse her. It would have been too final. Remus had resolved to explain that he was too old, too poor and too lethal to be with her, and she deserved to fall in love with someone else.

As expected, she dismissed all his reasoning many times, and eventually Remus could fight her stubbornness no longer. But nor could he allow himself to taint her life. Instead, he had avoided her, pretending for a full year that he was unaffected by her. This strain, combined with the grief of losing his last remaining best friend Sirius, had been nearly unbearable. He was adept at bearing burden, however, so he carried it with nothing more than a dull grimness.

Tonight, a year after their shared mission in Rabastan Lestrange's garden, he found himself at Hogwarts, another year older and another year sadder.

Remus couldn't avoid Tonks completely within the Order, a circumstance that had surfaced today as he was assigned with her and Bill Weasley. There had been a disturbance during their guard duty in the castle, and all three of them had started off running.

The sight that had met their eyes was horrific: Death Eaters in the grounds and castle, causing some sort of commotion. After the battle had finished (Tonks mercifully alive and unharmed) they had discovered Bill lying in a pool of blood. Remus had feared the worst; but Bill's attacker, Fenrir Greyback, had fortunately not been in wolfish form.

Bill would suffer side effects regardless of the moon's phase.

That was the last straw for Tonks. Fleur Delacour's love for her fiancée was stronger than ever, and seeing such a display of faithfulness in the Hospital Wing was about to send Tonks over the edge. Remus could see her jaw tensing, as though trying to hold back. It made him nervous.

"What do I care how he looks? I am good-looking enough for both of us, I theenk! All these scars show is zat my husband is brave!" Fleur was saying, vowing to love Bill no matter what he had become.

"You see!" Tonks cried suddenly, glaring at Remus. "She still wants to marry him, even though he's been bitten! She doesn't care!"

"It's different," Remus said tersely. "Bill will not be a full werewolf. The cases are completely –"

"But I don't care either, I don't care!" Tonks nearly shrieked, and before he knew it she was grabbing him by the robes. "I've told you a million times …"

"And I've told you a million times," Remus persisted, though fixing his gaze on the floor, "that I am too old for you, too poor … too dangerous …"

"I've said all along you're taking a ridiculous line on this, Remus," Molly Weasley chimed in over Fleur's shoulder.

"I am not being ridiculous," Remus replied unwaveringly, though inside his heart was splintering all over again. "Tonks deserves somebody young and whole."

"But she wants you," Molly's husband Arthur told him kindly. "And after all, Remus, young and whole men do not necessarily remain so."

He gestured to Bill's limp form with a sad smile.

Remus suddenly felt stifled. "This is … not the moment to discuss it," he said finally, staring over the tops of everyone's heads. He could already tell his arguments were becoming half-hearted, to his dismay. He closed his eyes. "Dumbledore is dead …"

"Dumbledore would have been happier than anybody to think that there was a little more love in the world," Minerva McGonagall offered weakly.

Remus stood immobile, conflicted. He stared around in bewilderment. It was as if everyone was authorizing the very thing he had so adamantly denied himself: his happiness. He looked down into Tonks' gaunt, heart-shaped face. Her eyes were pleading, framed by her lank, mousy hair.

Suddenly, he found he missed the bubblegum pink more than ever.

He could do with a bit of colour back in his life …

III.

Though Remus still nurtured qualms regarding what he had chosen, he was quickly warming up to the idea. It had been within his power to grant himself his own happiness all along, but he had stubbornly refused, unwilling to take the risk of accepting Tonks' love.

After the shock of Dumbledore's death had faded, however, he felt finally at peace with his concession. It was as though he could hear the voices of his friends in his head again, congratulating him.

"Excellent, Moony, mate," Sirius was saying smugly. "Didn't I tell you to act uninterested? She couldn't get enough of you!"

"Now wait just a second, Padfoot," said James' disgruntled voice. "_I_ told him girls would be interested in his lycanthropy, you know, that danger factor and all … and didn't she say she loved him even though he's a werewolf?"

"'Even though' he's a werewolf, not 'because' he's a werewolf!" Sirius snickered. "I win, James. As usual."

"Shut up, you two," Remus found himself thinking with a sad smile.

Merlin's beard. If he kept on this way, he'd have to be checked into St. Mungo's Hospital. But he had to admit to himself, as he climbed the steps to Tonks', place, that he would always miss the marauders.

The door swung open, revealing Tonks, whose face split into a smile. Despite his constant misgivings about being with Tonks, seeing her smile often erased his doubts for a time.

"May I come in?" Remus asked with mock-politeness, unable to stop the broad grin from stretching across his face.

"Of course."

Tonks' hair was restored to its bubblegum brightness, and Remus could not be more relieved, as though a load had been lifted from his shoulders. Tonks' powers had suffered during her depression, and he was glad to see them back in full force.

He took her up into his arms, and though he always felt as though times like these were stolen, guilty moments, he also knew that they were a gift. A gift from Tonks, who could somehow love him, but also a gift from himself, because he was finally letting her. He felt as though he would never be more grateful than he was for Tonks. Finally, after so much denial, he believed that he had made the right choice. Seeing her happy again was worth it ten times over.

"I do love you, Nymphadora."

She punched him on the arm. "It's Tonks!"

– END –


End file.
